I'm done

I've been betrayed too many times in my life..

Some i can understand why, some i'm still trying to give logic to it

but this one?? where is the logic? i don't understand, i don't have a reason, i don't know how to react..

i'm very in tack with my feelings now but i know i'm trying to keep it from falling apart so that i don't break down.

What were u thinking to play with my feelings all these while?

as much as i would like to call u jerk, i can't...

nothing i can do... this just ruined everything don't u think so?

whatever, i know i'll be fine without you...

Laurel Grace will be in my heart forever.

EVERYONE! guess what happened??

I Lost My Violin

yeah, my beloved violin which i named her Laurel Grace..

Hilary, Jiamin and I were practicing for our annual ball audition on monday.. finished quite late and i decided to join them for a late dinner too. On our way from Jm's house to hilary's car, we saw two person on a motorcycle slowing down when they reached where we were. Jia min became very suspicious about them but put the feeling aside.

When we reach the stall, for whatever reasons, i decided to leave my violin in the car but put it on the car floor so it won't be visible if someone peered in. We had our dinner for only about 15mins when we walked back to the car parked about 20 steps from the stall.

Jia min realized that there were sparkly glitters on the car seat and asked hilary... after finishing her sentence, JM and I both screamed as we both came to our senses that the sparkly thingy is actually the broken glass window and all our things are gone! including hilary's laptop, handbag, clarinet and also my violin... T_T

Jia min's uncles who happened to be eating at the hawker stall brought us to the police station nearby and not long after that, JM's parents came too.. We lodged a police report but of course there is nothing we could do about it!.... sigh... i really wish i had taken out my violin... why must this happen to me?!

Until now, i still can't get over it. Maybe it will take time.. just like what happened to my camera. but the thing is, i don't know if i still can own another violin like that... sigh sigh sigh....

Learned a really important lesson the hard way and it'll be engraved into my brain forever...

I'm now gonna check instrument shops nearby to see whether the thieves sold them or not.. I'm praying really really hard that i will find it.. >.<

God, if it is thy will.. pls help me find my violin. Amen

my good points?

praticing my violin today....

i realized one thing... i don't really seem to have any really good points that people would attribute me to... like some people are great in piano, violin, guitar, leadership skills, management skills, singing, drawing, talking, socializing etc... i don't seem to have one special thing that people would think of when they mention my name.. sometimes i feel like i'm living in the shadow of everyone else...

I thought that i'm good enough but then i'm just an amature in everything... sometimes when i try to do what i think i am best at, i don't feel appreciated. what i am assigned to do, i think people just let me do it coz the person who's best at it wasn't available to do it for them... sigh...

i don't know if this is the truth or i'm just thinking too much again..

stressful week

feeling really stress lately...

don't even have the mood to plan for my birthday... sigh...

what should i do?

Moving house

My blog had been quite dead... so now some updates..

Mom just told me last night that we're gonna sell off our house which we had settled in 10 yrs ago.. it's hard for me to accept that fact... but then, two person living in such a big house will do us no good.. and my mom has to travel 1/2 hours everyday to work, which can be very tiring for her too..

We're gonna get a house at Paka near my aunt's place and then mom also plans to buy a studio service apartment at Melawati.. it's time to move on... but i find it hard to move my legs.. maybe it's coz i'm still here at kl, and i've considered that home my own place for such a long time, if we move, i know that i won't be able to treat the new house like a warm nest where i feel safe... i wouldn't be able to show people the place where i grew up, the corner where i used to play, the place where we put our things.... i'm a sentimental person.. i know.... crying won't change reality... sigh...

I've been moving around all places all my life..kuala terengganu, kl, kuantan, kemaman, sarawak, malacca, and finally i've been able to settle in kemaman for 10 yrs, but i have to move again... i hate it... although i won't be going to stay at that house all the time..

i don't know what to do.. Hope that the buyer will treat this house like treasure.. or else i'm gonna kill him.. *wishful thinking*

Friends vs ME

I was thinking about this all the way from kl to ktn yesterday night- Why can't i have friends like normal people do? all the tears still doesn't seem to let me see a clear answer.

Since high school, I realized that no one ever asks me out for movies, drinks, shoppping etc. It's always me who asked them out. The only people that i'm close to are my family members. I don't have friends whom i can pour out my problems to, share my happiness, get crazy with etc.

Maybe it's my fault that i don't know how to keep in touch with them or whatever.. I'm struggling to learn that... but still, i've never seen any difference. Yeah, i maybe quite cold and quiet, but i'm just shy. I don't have the tendency to make loud noises, catch attentions, so maybe that's why i'm invisible.

My best friend, S.ying, is in singapore, so of course we can't hang out as much as we used to... but how bout all these friends around me? i'm like smoke flying around and then forgotten as the bigger wind comes and blow me away.

Maybe it's also how i grew up. i'm the only child, so i'm used to playing alone, doing things myself etc. Furthermore, I used to move alot because of my dad's job, so friends just come and go.

This emo time in the bus also made me realize that i don't have any strong points that people can remember me of. Like some people are really helpful, caring, smart, artistic etc etc....... I can't even find anything in myself that is me. Well, except of all the bad things.

I don't know if this is self-pity, low self-esteem, whatever.... I've been going thru this up and down period since forever. When i'm my in a normal mood, that's when i'm struggling to overcome all my bad characters but i still drop and go back to my original self, which i really hate coz no one likes that original self.

Feel like giving up.

EVness

I'm starting my degree in August 27th. BA of Psychology.

I really should give it my all, study hard, discipline myself.
Lots going thru my mind now. Lots of worries about the future, present..

Words can't describe my feelings right now. Maybe someday, it will all come clear to me and God will open my eyes to see what he wants me to become..

Moments of low self-esteem always creep up behind me after a few weeks or months of happiness/ confidence. I never know why. I just hate those moments.

well, this is me..

~till then, peace.

Random thoughts of mine...

I think almsot everynight back here at my hometown can be labeled as "emo-time"... When i'm not watching tv or talking to anyone, sitting alone in my room, going online.... makes me think alot about everything..

I realise that i'm a person that needs a lot of privacy or in other words, i need a big personal space compared to other people. I managed to downsize the space i needed to have between me and other people, whether physically or emotionally. however, it's still bigger than most people.. maybe it's because i'm more of an introvert, as according to my psychology for personal development textbook.. Well, to anyone who's reading this, i hope you understand it coz i may get upset over some petty things that invades my privacy..

Another thing i've discovered is.... No one ever seems to initiate a chat with me in msn... it's always i'm the one who starts the conversation or they had something important or boring to tell me.... i wonder why?? it really saddens me that none of my friends ever thought of me if something exciting happened to them.. maybe it's just my imagination or maybe it's true that i'm just a normal person that people dont pay attention to... there we go...emo time again...

Well, these thoughts and feelings will not affect me to give up in life.. I've gone through much major disappointments and drama in my life.. so, these just come and go once in a while ... I know that the only thing that matters is my family and my best friends.

HURT...

I GOT REALLY HURT BY A BLOG SOMEONE WROTE ABOUT ME.......

I know that it was my fault for some of the things and i sincerely apologized.. what else do u want me to do??!!!

However.... i jz don't understand some people.

firstly,i was so busy that i seriously forgot about handing in the slides. well, since all the group members will be going to the trolak camp until sunday. How does it hurt if i didn't hand it in on the day u guys depart???

Secondly, to whoever's reading this post, think about this.... who's the irresponsible person here:

A => photocopied a book from the library which is 100% gonna be used as a reference for the presentation, BUT forgot the name of the book..... which means that i can't put it into the reference list.

B => was told to spit out a reference list ( at12.30pm, when i'm already in college) before 6pm... while i won't be going home until 12am.... plus! i happen to have left my thumbdrive at home that day....

Well, we sometimes do things that other persume as "wrong" but why be so harsh???? i mean all the swear words... i appreciate that she told me in the face that she think i was irresponsible... but what's with that bitchy witch attitude... (sorry for my language, but i'm really pissed off right now) DON'T YOU KNOW THAT PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS TOO????!!!!

I know i've procrastinated but i've given what i needed to do right?

Anyway, if that person is reading this..really sorry for the things that i've done and hope u really know that i'm hurt too....