I was thinking about this all the way from kl to ktn yesterday night- Why can't i have friends like normal people do? all the tears still doesn't seem to let me see a clear answer.
Since high school, I realized that no one ever asks me out for movies, drinks, shoppping etc. It's always me who asked them out. The only people that i'm close to are my family members. I don't have friends whom i can pour out my problems to, share my happiness, get crazy with etc.
Maybe it's my fault that i don't know how to keep in touch with them or whatever.. I'm struggling to learn that... but still, i've never seen any difference. Yeah, i maybe quite cold and quiet, but i'm just shy. I don't have the tendency to make loud noises, catch attentions, so maybe that's why i'm invisible.
My best friend, S.ying, is in singapore, so of course we can't hang out as much as we used to... but how bout all these friends around me? i'm like smoke flying around and then forgotten as the bigger wind comes and blow me away.
Maybe it's also how i grew up. i'm the only child, so i'm used to playing alone, doing things myself etc. Furthermore, I used to move alot because of my dad's job, so friends just come and go.
This emo time in the bus also made me realize that i don't have any strong points that people can remember me of. Like some people are really helpful, caring, smart, artistic etc etc....... I can't even find anything in myself that is me. Well, except of all the bad things.
I don't know if this is self-pity, low self-esteem, whatever.... I've been going thru this up and down period since forever. When i'm my in a normal mood, that's when i'm struggling to overcome all my bad characters but i still drop and go back to my original self, which i really hate coz no one likes that original self.
Feel like giving up.
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